Setting Myself Up For Failur.

Here I made such a big deal about pumping. I researched it. I blogged about it. I spent money on an expensive Medela pump. But everything I try to do to get the milk out of my breast in into my son doesn’t seem to be working.

I blame myself. I was so scared what happened to my son Danny would happen to Eli. I had to see to be certain that he was getting the amount of milk he needed. I didn’t trust myself enough. I set myself up for failure by being afraid the past was doomed to repeat itself.

Eli did get an ultrasound at the hospital to make sure he didn’t have the same condition Danny did but they didn’t give me a direct answer. They said there was a little fluid in his right kidney but that was normal and nothing they were concerned about.

The other issue is I was positive for Beta Strep B. This wouldn’t have been an issue except for the fact I had Eli so fast they didn’t get the second dose of antibiotics in me while I was in labor. So he is at risk for getting sick between now and two months of age. Well great! Something different to worry about!

That has me a little scared. I have had a very sick baby before. I am not going to go through all of that again. I was going to be sure and absolutely positive I was doing everything I could to see the signs of a sick baby. The first being fever and then not eating.

I am scared to death that if I were to breastfeed I wouldn’t be able to physically see how much he was consuming, there for, if he slowly started cutting back, I would miss it.

So I breastfeed him at the hospital. I tried to pump but nothing came out. He was better at getting the milk. Okay, fine. While we were there we worked on getting the breast milk to come in and the nurses who check his vitals ever few hours would be able to tell me if he is getting sick or not. So that is what I did. I ended up using the nipple shield again. It was the only way to get his tongue out of the way!

One night after I had him to my breasts for 30 minutes he was still crying and acting like he was hungry. So I asked my husband to ask the nurse for some formula. I gave him the bottle and Eli was satisfied so he was out like a light for the next two hours. When he was hungry again I did the breast for 30 minutes. Again it didn’t satisfy him so I gave him more formula. With each bottle I gave him he became more lazy at the breast. But what was I suppose to do?! He was still hungry.

No worries I thought I will just get home and pump. He will be drinking from the bottles anyway right?! Wrong…

It seems when you have a healthy baby and you pump. You never can quite get enough out to satisfy. Least ways, I couldn’t. He took off like crazy and his consumption grew daily. I pumped every two hours and once through the night like the blogs say and like the hospital papers said but I could never get more than an ounce and he was up to three. My fear of not being able to catch up seemed to have come true.

I was at a stand still. I couldn’t pump enough for him and I tried so hard to see if he would go back to nursing. Many tears from both him and me with no success. I was wore out and my boobs hurt like a mother *&@%*.

I feel like a failure yet again. Only this time it was my fear of what could have happen instead of what did happen. I allowed my past fear to scare me from something that I think could have been a success.

Failure is such a hard pill to swallow. I know he will be fine on formula but I know he would have been better on my breast milk.

If anything is to go wrong I will blame myself and my failure to breastfeed. If he gets constipated, I will be to blame. If he gets sick often, again it will be my fault. If he doesn’t gain enough weight, I will feel so guilty. I hope and pray non of these issues arise. I don’t know if I could take knowing I caused my son the discomfort.

I hope and pray for the best. He is doing great right now so I need to stop worrying and be thankful for the beautiful healthy boy that we have. If these issues do arise we will of course work through them but its so hard to watch my children suffer through anything. A cold, or a bump on the head. My heart is always wrapped around my children. If they hurt, I hurt.

2 thoughts on “Setting Myself Up For Failur.

  1. Lelsy, A failure NEVER… you are a great mom that is worrying to much did you know that worry is responsibility that God never intended you to have?? You are a great success look at the other little one picture perfect even with all the problems..Hugs for the day will see you soon.. Grandma Judy

  2. I agree with grandma Judy! Never a failure Lesly Dianne! I know it is easier said than done but “worry” is a joy killer, let it go, now! God has given you blessing after blessing, will you let go and let Him take up that worry? which, as grandma has shared, is not yours to carry. We have been given such grace and mercy by our heavenly Father, lets walk in boldness through this adventure called life! I love you “so” much.
    Mom

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